It's a beautiful day for a hangover
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
