I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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