hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
