we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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