It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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