i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
