not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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