You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The air was thick with penises
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
