You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
