high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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