I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I looked at my own cervix.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
