my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
