he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
