You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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