please come you make the beer taste better
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
