Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
