we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
