i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
