maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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