im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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