1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
