so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
