Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
