Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
