So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Someone signed my nipple.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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