You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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