Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
