I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
