the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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