I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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