You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
