I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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