ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
