Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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