Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
