Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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