it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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