my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
