Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Ketchup is God's man juice
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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