About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
