You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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