At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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