You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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