It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We were destined to go to rehab together
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
