I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
