My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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