i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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