John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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