and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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