Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
