yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
