I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
