He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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