Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
